Scott's Becoming Cool and Awesome

The super exciting Scott Russell is officially joining the A.S.S. blog. Bizzow! For added excitement, here's a link to my Xanga site that I'm finally starting to use on a regular basis. www.xanga.com/thatguy2909 Blam! Looking forward to tonight's festivities, and you should all prepare yourself for my mother's world-famous gingerbread cookies that Haley and I will be bringing along.

Is that a bananna in your airspace, or are you just happy to see me?

I honestly think that this might be the greatest idea since Duchamp slapped his signature on a urinal. This is similarly Dada in its intentions and theory, but truly Texan in scope. it's brilliant.

I think they might be on to us...

Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'Donal' at will to old ladies.

Which movie was this quote from?

Get your own quotes:

fortunately we have rules for that sort of thing. rule #10 of drive-by-donalling states "never donal old people." thus, the old ladies in our neck of the woods can rest easy.

now then, since i'm posting anyway, a reminder that "stand and deliver" is tomorrow and the new years shindig is sunday. and as matt has kindly reminded us, don't forget to buy your booze early! (stupid blue laws)

Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

Yeah, it's late, but I was so excited to find the full length version that I thought I should share!

Christmas time is (was) here

So yeah. it's the day after the day after christmas. I'm deleting/have deleted the christmas mix. I hope all of you had a good time with family; I hope you got and gave all you wanted.

Rose and Faltered

Unfortunately, fellow ASSers, the wife and I will most likely not be attending the long-awaited Escalante boozing ceremony. We have been invited to a family Christmas affair that evening which we must attend, given it's a part of my family we never see (my family is, by the way, quite small, and the fact that there is a local chapter we hardly ever see is rather pathetic, I believe) and they have a new condo.

That said, maybe, just maybe, we will maintain enough of a social mood to arrive late and join donal and others who by then will most certainly have collapsed, hopelessly intoxicated, on top of one another in a fit of B-movie induced psychosis. A true ASSer, one might say, would come regardless of prior familial obligation. But then, this one won't be a true ASS, will it?

On this point, we shall ponder.

Update: It's gone now. If you want it, let me know and I'll burn it, but it's after christmas, you're probably sick of christmas music by now.

I promised this two weeks ago, and I couldn't sleep tonight.

Here's the promised Christmas CD--thanks to an influx of musical oddities from the blogosphere, it is ALL christmas music. And about as good as I'm going to get it, in my sleep deprived state. I offer a 55% guarantee that you will be entertained, offended, and straight up moved at some point within the hour this disc takes up. So, without further ado here it is:

What Christmas Means to Me
Pre-Holiday Breakups, Booze, Prostitution, Space Aliens in Our Chimneys, Small Children with Terrible Voices but Incredible Senses of Phrasing, Adults who Sound More Childlike than Children, Blasphemy, Devotion, men whose dying wish is (apparently) for a secondary Santa Claus on Mars, and Classic Country Singers Doing better By Irving Berlin than Bing Crosby Ever Did.

tracklist as it is:

1. Christmas Party - The Walkmen
2. Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep - Tammy Wynette
3. Mary - Lou Barlow
4. Christmas at the Zoo - the Flaming Lips
5. Captain Santa Claus (and His Reindeer Space Patrol) - Bobby Helms
6. Hooray for Santy Claus! - Milton DeLugg and the Little Eskimos
7. Jesus Christ - Big Star
8. Merry Christmas, Baby - The BellRays
9. iPod xMas - Hello Saferide
10. Santa Claus Never Comes to the Ghetto - Yellowman
11. Back Door Santa - Clarence Carter
12. Reindeer Boogie - Hank Snow
13. Taking Down the Tree - Low
14. Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis - Neko Case
15. The Friendly Beasts - Sufjan Stevens
16. Santa Claus, Go Straight to the Ghetto - Belle and Sebastian
17. Zoomah the Santa Claus from Mars - Barry Gordon
18. Hooray for Santy Claus! - Senor Tonto
19. White Christmas - Hank Thompson
20. If Christmas Can't Bring You Home - The Reigning Sound

You can download all 65 megabytes of holiday-spiced goodness by clicking here.

I'm taking it down the day after Christmas, as it's definitely a violation of Ball State's iWeb TOS.

anyone for some fiiiiiiine champagnyah?

as luck would have it, i've come into a stock of free wine. several bottles. most of it unbearably cheap (we'll drink that once we're already drunk and won't know the difference) but a couple that look decent. that said, what we would need most for the big new years eve gathering would be champagne for midnight. we'll have plenty of other stuff to drink in the meantime. so unless you had your heart set on something else in particular, my request is that people bring a bottle of fine champagne and a snack to share for the evening. the asti spumante is my personal favorite, although i do have doubts about it's being "fine."

i'm also still at a bit of a loss for an activity for the evening, so if you have a game or movie you enjoy, do bring it along. if the "stand and deliver" drinking game goes well the previous friday then there is always that. but otherwise i suppose we'll just play it by ear. let me know if you have any other genius ideas!

and also, since i'm anticipating that a lot of alcohol will be imbibed during the evening, my house will be open to anyone who wishes to stay the night. no drunk driving on my watch! so if you think you might have need of them, bring your pjs and toothbrush and we'll do our best not to let the cats jump on you all night ;)

with that... a merry christmas too all! save travels, etc. etc. and i hope to see you on new years!

Because Brian May is actually kinda foxy.

And because Abby inspired me to dig through my Daniel Nester books to find what he had written about "I Want to Break Free" (for the record, four poems, four versions of the song).

Now, for your edification, I offer to you the following copyright violations--four poems (with footnotes intact)about Queen's "I Want to Break Free" by Daniel Nester:


I Want to Break Free

In 1984 I joined the Official International Queen Fan Club, and shortly thereafter called their London office at the number off The Works sleeve notes. I was home sick from school, and I wanted to talk to someone--anyone--who actually liked Queen.

"Hello from America!" I announce.
"Had the boys been around today? Have you seen them?"
Of course they hadn't! No!

I scold myself, and think of anything else to say... ¹



I Want to Break Free (Extended Mix)2

Back from another record store splurge. Before me I have four interview picture discs, each bears the likeness of a different band member. But was it worth it to buy all four? My friends Bob and Tom want to know.

Weary of my excessive Queen purchases, they insist I come over and assess the memorabilia's real worth. We fire up the turntable. First picture disc: Freddie in tights, circa 1977.

The first interview question, posed to Brian May: "Have you played Leeds before?"



I Want to Break Free (Extended Version)

Second picture disc: Brian onstage, bathed in orange backlight.
Probably an American tour, Jazz or Game.
First interview question: "Have you played Leeds before?"

Bob and Tom snicker and cheer. Third picture disc: Roger in Sunglasses, a shot from an 1987 solo album junket. First interview question: "Have you played Leeds before?"
Bob and Tom, their knees in World Cup celebration now, begin chanting...

Leeds, Leeds, Leeds.



I Want to Break Free (Single Edit)

Fourth picture disc: John, sleepy-eyed in a turtleneck, his white-boy afro, early Works era.
First interview question: "Have you played--" Bob and Tom in a torrent of laughs, and I can't hear the rest of the interviewer's question.

I trudge home to listen to them alone with headphones, determined to discover the outcome for myself--without the ceaseless distractions of Philistine non-Queen fans. That fourth question: Yes, "Leeds." Four fucking Leeds interview picture discs.

Jesus Christ. The money I have spent on this fucking band.

---

1. Video Notes:
Brian's nuclear dream. This is real, he'd think as a boy.
Roger's CHOOSE LIFE t-shirt
Freddie's wearing arrow-printed pants again.
John's highlighted afro.

2. Tale told here--"extravaganza within an extravaganza," as Brian puts it--as a parallel of the official release of four different versions of the 45 of this single. Separate photos of Roger, John, Brian, and Freddie, all with Works-like interlocking machinery, rotary wheels in stark gray and black and white. Clearly trying to project a masculine image, this being the album following their disco album. Rolling Stone calls The Works--and I don't know where Capitol Records got the payola money for this--the "Led Zeppelin II of the '80s" (Paul Puterbaugh, April 12, 1984, three stars). This was before the band dresses up as women for the video in a send-up/pastiche of Coronation Street. At the time, there was no way I could convince other 16-year olds that Queen was a heterosexual rock band. All was lost.

what is it we're breaking free from, exactly?

love the song, but this nearly ruins it for me. you'd think they'd at least have gotten freddie mercury some better boobs. meh. it was the 80's.

second annual new year's A.S.S.

well kids. it's time, again, to start thinking about new year's celebrations. yes... i know it's not quite christmas yet, but dec. 31 will be here before we know it. i don't know about you all, but the next 2 weekends may prove to be busy ones for me, so i'd like to start the ball rolling on the planning now, while i have the time and sanity to think about it.

so. new year's eve falling on a sunday this year makes things a little interesting, but i'm wondering if anyone had any thoughts about things to do to keep ourselves busy for the evening until midnight, at which point we will clearly anticipate drinking copious amounts of champagne and making drunken silly prank calls to all of our friends unfortunate enough not to be hanging out with us ;)

here are my thoughts... because it is sunday, it may be more difficult to do a carry in dinner like we did last year, unless i decide to skip church in the morning entirely, which i'm very tempted to do, but haven't quite made up my mind yet. that said... maybe we could start the evening at our more usual time (7:30ish) after most everyone has eaten dinner and all bring a snack to share and something to drink (be it bubbly for midnight or something for before). or... since i will likely be at home preparing anyway and will need to eat something at some point... if there are people who would like to come earlier, you are certainly welcome... maybe bring a few dollars to chip in and we'll order pizza or something.

anyhoo... as to how to fill the hours before midnight... i'm up for suggestions. there is always drive-by-donaling, but with it being new years eve AND having a crew of b-list (c-list?) celebrity cops running around town, that might not be a great idea. there are always games... movies... donal has suggested dressing as pimps and hos (hoes? what is the plural of ho?), which she promises to do even if no one else does. and i have a ass-load of sparklers left over from the fourth of july.

but in all seriousness, if you have any ideas for activities for the evening, do please make them known.

also, i know it is early yet and plans are likely still forming for all of you, but i'd like a general idea of how many to expect that evening, so if you think you'll be there, please drop me a line and let me know. i won't be personally insulted by any means if you have other plans, but of course would love to see you all there :)

ps. sorry for the flub on the plans for this past weekend. you can send kjosh evil messages in thanks for that ;)

A slight breach of etiquette...

After being triple-dog dared to post (not really), and after tryng really hard to find stuff to do (not really) this weekend, I'll just post some ideas to get the ball rolling.

I think we should hang out this weekend but have no idea what we should do. I'm pretty sure something hot and sweet should be involved (mocha anyone?) and perhaps some type of movie? Initially, grand thoughts of going to Indy, gazing at perfectly decorated trees inside million dollar mansions (Lilly) or perhaps finding presents we all still need to purchase (I haven't started) or maybe watching Tom Hanks' gigantic CG head move around the screen (IMAX is showing The Polar Express). But then I realized I didn't want to spend too much, or create hassle when the most important thing was just to, well, hang out (really).

So I'm open to suggestions. Let's do stuff. And plan it quickly. Now. Go.

i'm not anal... just really really accurate... errrr something.

i think i've been informally accused of being a spelling snob. which is amusing because i generally can't spell worth crap. i can't help it if certain towns in "upstate" new york spell their names all weird.

it's not mere coincidence when fate pushes jaime escalante right under your nose

that's right. the stars have aligned. fate has cleared the path. the creation of the "stand and deliver" drinking game scheduled for december 27th, 2006 was clearly meant to be. i happened to be at blockbuster yesterday looking for christmas gifts and what should i find but a used copy of the incomparable "stand and deliver" on DVD on sale for 5 dollars. what are the chances? it called to me. i could not refuse. now if only a copy of that documentary about pablo escobar would descend to me from heaven our night of re-living high school spanish classes could be complete, because i'm pretty sure we can get donal (or noah) drunk enough to tell us stories about our former teachers zebra-striped MC Hammer pants and dead dog, "Chelsea." in fact, i'm pretty sure neither of them would have to be drunk at all to regale us with such tales. and as horrible and boring as it usually is to hear other peoples stories from high school... these are actually pretty amusing.

also, for our jewish friends, there will also be a kugel. i loves me some kugel.

Salutations and a brief heads-up of upcoming comings.

Hello. Bonjour. Guten Tag.

That out of the way, the upcoming comings. I'm working on a Christmas mixtape, a .zip file of which I will link to later. It won't be all Christmas music, because, well, gag. Maybe today, Samad, maybe tomorrow. It's coming. Never you mind when, just keep an eye out. It'll be a violation of the terms of service for my school's hosting account, so I can't keep it up long.

In the meantime, entertain yourself with the impossible struggle of making Marmaduke funny. Have fun keeping warm, you dummies! By which I mean not that you are stupid for living in a climate as temperate as central/east-central Indiana, but merely that you are all as simultaneously adorable and creepy as a ventriloquist's dummy. Except that I actually believe that you are speaking under your own volition.

Actually, I take the whole 'dummy' thing back. I love you guys. I'm just bitter that I can't get this guy's hand out of my back.

She left the mustache slightly mustache in case he mustached late at mustache.

Tonight, Abby, Annette and I attended a poetry reading by one of my favorite professors ever--the ever-delightful Mr. Peter Davis. If you can imagine me, clean-shaven, a good foot shorter, and talking even more like an excitable muppet than I already do, you've got a pretty good idea of what he's like. His new collection of poems, Hitler's Mustache is out now on Barnwood Press. It is the very definition of "amusing."

When I took his songwriting class in the spring of '05, he mentioned to us the germination of this idea--he had been suffering a spell of writer's block, and decided the best way to fight it was to just have a stock phrase to use every time he was at a loss for what to say next. That phrase was (suspenseful ellipsis) "Hitler's Mustache." Mostly because Hitler was an actually kind of terrifying person--an ordinary human who somehow became this atrocious mass murderer--who just happened to have this ridiculous, goofy-looking mustache. It takes all the power of Hitler away from Hitler by being so innately giggle-worthy.

There's a poem from the book called "Hitler's Mustache: The Journey Tribute Band" on the wonderful poetry website, Unpleasant Event Schedule. It's the McSweeney's of verse. In fact, the editor, Daniel Nester, an amusing (Queen-obsessed) poet in his own right, is McSweeney's' Sestinas editor. I don't know if I properly made the posessive doubly posessive there... but that's not a problem I've encountered before.

Because I don't want this to be a pure book/performance review, I will add three things:

Abby says Puerto Vallarta's margaritas are the best. At least in Muncie. Take her at her word. The drink is still sweeter than I like my alcohol, but delicious nonetheless. It's the closest I've come to enjoying a margarita.

When I got dropped off at my apartment, on my way up to my apartment, I was passed by two guys, each equipped with two bottles of Miller lite in each and every pocket (including those pockets underneath the outer layer, as evidenced by bulges where shirt pockets usually are. All anyone in my neighborhood ever talks about is how they think public intoxication is probably the best way possible to get arrested by Wee Man. That and how they don't even know who LaToya Jackson is. "Is she one of the Jackson 5? Am I even thinking of the right family?" It makes my sense of being too old to a) live in the village and b) still be an undergrad all the more poignant.

And, finally, Babies with Beards! Babies with Beards! Babies with Beards!

(And no, none of them are me as a child. I was very cute as a small child. And not just so-ugly-he's-cute cute, but real, child model cute. Regional stuff, mostly. The kid in the Sears Portrait Studio display--that was me.)

yeah, I can't wait for spring to start, either.

Made all the better by the contrast of a jovial nature on a German tongue.